Raccoons are trash cats.

Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."

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TRANSCRIPT

Racoons are everywhere.
They're in the city, they're in the suburbs. They are in your backyard. And no one sees 'em.
I mean, if a bear walked through your neighborhood, you'd see the bear, right?
Not a raccoon! Raccoons are like the North American mermaid.
They're out there! But no one sees 'em. No one knows what they do.
Guys are like, "I saw a raccoon wash a car once."
You have to start with that story.
I think my favorite thing about raccoons though is the trash. The trash is the best part because no one ever sees the trash when the raccoon takes the trash.
But then the raccoon can't eat the trash, 'cause, you know, it's trash. So the raccoon has to put the trash all over your house.
That's why when you come home and your trash is out on the patio, it's never been touched. It's never been touched!
I don't know what happened here. I don't know who's responsible. I think a raccoon got in a fight with the wind.
'Cause this is not trash. This is a trash bag that tried to become a sail.
And that's when I woke up at 3:00 am, and was like, "Did raccoon took my trash? A racoon took my trash!"
But not only did a raccoon take my trash, he brought it back. He was like, "I didn't like the taste of that. I'm gonna put it back where I found it. But all over the fucking patio."
Raccoons are like cats, but they're not cute. They're like, "I'm a trash cat, deal with it."
I've heard in the suburbs, they're raising raccoons like they're pigs.But they're not pigs. They're raccoons, they're raised in a cage, they're fed, they're slaughtered, they're eaten.
Is this wrong? I don't know. I'm not paleo. I'm vegan.