hurry sickness

I’m the type of person who always feels like I’m running late despite the fact that I very rarely am.

I’ve been trying a new type of thought exercise where I take a moment to visit with a more senior or elderly me. Sometimes it’s my 81st birthday. I sit as her, with the underlying understanding that everything did eventually work itself out, and I had a great, full, and beautiful life despite all of its challenges.

As I sit in my 80 ish year old body, I take a moment to reflect on the good parts I can recall and then I bring her back to my 37 year old body. With the back that creaks so much less often and feet that ache so much less intensely. I bring my senior self back into the apartment she hasn’t seen for decades in the town she sometimes misses. She looks at her partner with adoring eyes as they haven’t wrinkled and spotted in the sun just yet. She puts sunscreen on us both and digs out the old hobbies she regrets not taking more seriously. She takes her time to cook a nourishing meal with hands that don’t shake and arms strong enough to lift the dutch oven. She eats slowly because there is no rush, and she has learned that in her many years of rushing on this planet. She feels excited to be in a body she used to not appreciate. She wants to wander and explore with these eyes that seem to see more clearly and bones that don’t tire so quickly.

She’s not afraid about missing a boat because she realized there is no single boat. So I try not to be afraid of missing the boat. She reminds me that we can build our own boats, or chill on the beach - it doesn’t really matter as long as we remember it doesn't matter. As long as the truly objectively important shit gets done, we need to stop pretending like it’s possible to get everything else done too. One way to remember that is to allow your future self to lend you some peace and wisdom once in a while. So she lends me her peace and she lends me her wisdom and with it she returns to me more energized, and grateful to be alive and able to experience this time again. For the first time in years she is awakened to the miraculous nature of this current life. She is happy to be here, and she is me.

EP: 1418

The source: https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/always-in-a-rush-maybe-its-time-urgency

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