S5:E26 - Kate & Amelia

She never gave up!

Some journeys are long. Kate's is one of the longest we've shared on this podcast — and one of the most quietly remarkable.

Kate came to solo motherhood later than she planned, and for reasons that had nothing to do with not wanting a child. For much of her 30s she was managing Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, a chronic pain condition so severe she was on strong medication whose effects on a foetus were not yet known. She finished three masters degrees, achieved a third-degree black belt in karate, and built a career — all while navigating a condition she would not wish on anyone.

By her late 30s, the pain was behind her. The medication was gone. And the relationship she'd thought might lead somewhere hadn't. So she made the decision that had always been there, waiting.

What followed was three rounds of IUI, a move from Melbourne to Tasmania, a job change, eight or more IVF cycles across two clinics, multiple egg retrievals, a chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage. Years of driving to Hobart and turning back halfway because the embryo hadn't developed. Years of two-week waits that ended badly. Years of holding it all quietly — telling almost no one — because that is how Kate processes things, and because she has Asperger's, and because the fear of what people think runs deep when you've spent your whole life reading the room slightly differently to everyone else.

And then in December, a natural FET. Timed around Christmas. A feeling on the way home that she hadn't had before — this one has stuck.

She was right. Amelia is 22 months old, about to turn two. She lives with Kate and Kate's parents in northern Tasmania, is looked after full time by her grandparents while Kate works, hates being swaddled, kicks her blankets off, loves doctors' waiting rooms, and is going to Japan in a couple of months.

Kate wouldn't swap a single thing.

In this episode:

• Three masters degrees, a third-degree black belt, and a decade managing Complex Regional Pain Syndrome — and how that shaped Kate's decision-making

• Being on the autism spectrum (Asperger's): how it affected relationships, the decision to pursue solo motherhood, and the parenting experience that followed

• Deciding to go straight to IUI rather than freeze eggs — and learning the hard way that the IUI donor pool in Victoria was extremely limited

• Three rounds of IUI: a chemical pregnancy in quarantine, a negative, and a third failure before moving to IVF

• Transferring to the Tasmanian clinic — a smaller, more personal experience, and a specialist who never stopped looking for solutions

• Eight or more IVF cycles across multiple years — multiple egg retrievals, fresh and frozen transfers, the physical and emotional toll, and driving halfway to Hobart only to be called back because the embryo hadn't developed

• The pre-Medicare-change reality for solo mums: needing to fail IUI multiple times before qualifying for IVF rebates

• A miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy before the natural FET that finally worked

• Keeping almost everything secret — and what happened when she finally told people

• A pregnancy she couldn't enjoy, spent waiting for something to go wrong

• Amelia arriving a day early in a Tasmanian storm — and spending the first week in hospital with no power at home

• Coming home to mum and a two-year-old who refused to be swaddled

• Going back to work at four and a half months — a nine-day fortnight, four days from home

• Her parents as full-time carers: what it's given Amelia, what it's given them

• What she'd do differently — and what she'd tell anyone on the spectrum who's been waiting for the right time

Key Takeaways

• A health condition is not a reason to stop — it may be a reason to plan more carefully, get better advice earlier, and advocate for yourself at every step

• Being on the spectrum doesn't mean you can't read your child — you will find your own way of knowing, and it will be enough

• The fear of what other people will think is almost always bigger than the reality — Kate told far fewer people than she needed to and everyone she told was supportive

• The pre-2023 Medicare rules forced solo mums through unnecessary rounds of IUI before qualifying for IVF — if you're starting now, you don't have to do that

• Telling your employer, when you can trust them, makes the practical logistics of fertility treatment enormously more manageable

• Going back to work is not abandonment — for some brains, it's a lifeline that helps process and move forward

• The newborn phase is different when your brain works differently — lean into whatever your mum tells you, accept the help that comes, and know that you will find your own rhythm

This episode is brought to you by City Fertility

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