Self-Sabotage: Why You Do What You Shouldn’t, and How to Stop

Self-Sabotage: Why You Do What You Shouldn’t, and How to Stop

We’ve all had moments where we watch ourselves make the exact wrong choice: procrastinating on an important task, picking a fight in a good relationship, or pulling back just when things are starting to go well. This is self-sabotage, and in this episode Dr. Rick and Forrest explore why we do it and how to stop. They talk about how self-sabotage often serves as a form of psychological self-protection, and why doing well can feel like a threat to our identity, before discussing avoidance coping, the conflict between aspects of who we are, and why we stay safe rather than stepping forward. Along the way, they offer practical strategies for updating outdated internal models, working with different parts of ourselves, and building the inner resources that make real change possible. Change Your Mind with Rick: Learn how to break old patterns and change the thoughts that keep you stuck with Rick’s six-week online course on the science of changing your mind. Learn more at RickHanson.com/changing and use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive a 25% discount. Key Topics: 0:00: Introduction 2:05: What is self-sabotage, really? 6:10: Why self-sabotage is often a form of protection 10:20: Avoidance coping and the logic of “safe failure” 14:40: The identity cost of doing well 18:55: Internal conflict and the parts model 26:15: Challenge vs. threat: how the brain evaluates risk 32:05: Real-life examples of self-sabotage 37:30: How to begin working with self-sabotaging parts 45:45: Working with self-destructive parts 51:10: Creating safer conditions for growth 57:25: Building a feedback loop that reinforces trust 1:02:40: Recap and additional take-aways Support the Podcast: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Sponsors Head to acornsearly.com/beingwell or download the Acorns Early app to help your kids grow their money skills today. Get Notion Mail for free right now at notion.com/beingwell, and try the inbox that thinks like you For a limited time, get Headspace FREE for 60 days. Go to Headspace.com/BEINGWELL60. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell. Go to ZOE.com and find out what ZOE Membership could do for you. Use code WELL10 to get 10% off membership. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ep. 16: Using Your Fierceness

Ep. 16: Using Your Fierceness

Dr. Hanson and Forrest talk about a particularly challenging aspect of the strength of determination: fierceness. They explore how the ‘feral’ parts of our mind can be a powerful resource, and how we can use that inner strength rather than be used by it. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:40: What does “fierceness” mean? 3:20: How fierceness fuels determination. 5:20: Is how we think about fierceness defined by our individual experience? 6:20: Different ways to think about the ‘feral’ experience. 8:45: The difficulty in articulating this material. 9:15: Using all the material in the psyche as a potential resource. 12:00: Pitfalls relating to fierceness. 16:20: The burden of proof when being fierce. 18:00: The two pitfalls related to fierceness. 19:30: Increasing our comfort with fierceness. 24:50: Strengthening our own cores. 27:25: Taming the beast by allowing it to run. 28:55: Recap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

23 Apr 201831min

Ep. 15: How to Become More Determined

Ep. 15: How to Become More Determined

On today’s episode of the Being Well Podcast, Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest continue their focus on the strength of Grit with determination. Particularly, they look at the different aspects of determination, and explore how we can grow each of them over time. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:35: How “determination” relates to grit. 2:00: Being determined to a fault. 2:50: What determination is made up of. 3:55: Being resolved toward a goal. 8:00: Balancing patience with agency. 9:30: Realistic expectations enabling patience. 11:45: How much patience is too much? 12:30: The marshmallow test. 15:00: Distress tolerance. 16:25: How can you help yourself enjoy persistence? 21:30: What do we mean by “fierceness?” 23:15: Issues with fierceness. 24:15: Recap. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

18 Apr 201825min

Ep. 14: The Power of Agency

Ep. 14: The Power of Agency

On today’s episode of the Being Well Podcast, Dr. Hanson begins a new focus on the fourth of the twelve strengths he’ll be covering throughout this series: Grit. Particularly, this episode explores how to grow agency – an aspect of grit where we feel like a cause rather than an effect. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:30: What is grit? 0:50: How does physical grit support psychological grit? 4:45: Can we grow grit? 5:45: Why agency is important for growing grit. 6:45: How agency fights against “learned helplessness.” 9:30: How can we “unlearn” learned helplessness? 16:10: What can we do when we ACTUALLY are helpless? 18:00: Being realistic about the amount of power we have over our lives. 19:30: Finding small ways to express agency. 21:00: Focusing on causes rather than effects. 24:55: Recap. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

9 Apr 201826min

Ep. 13: Remove the Bad with the Good

Ep. 13: Remove the Bad with the Good

Dr. Rick Hanson and Forrest discuss "linking" - how we can use new, positive experiences to soften and eventually replace old, negative ones. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 1:20: What is linking? 2:20: An example of linking. 3:50: How does linking work in the brain? 5:50: How removing old, painful experiences works in the brain. 8:30: How we can remove old pains. 10:10: Quick recap 11:05: The two opportunities to remove negative material. 13:20: The two problematic ways people deal with upsets. 14:05: The better way to approach upsetting situations. 15:20: Matching the right positive experiences to the negative experience. 16:00: The pitfalls of linking. 17:55: Why negative material isn’t “bad.” 18:30: The third option found in linking. 19:45: The difference between wounds and deficits. 20:30: The three levels of engaging negative material. 23:30: Pulling the tip of the root. 24:00: How to talk to your young experiences. 27:10: The three conditions for linking. 29:25: Recap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

2 Apr 201832min

Ep. 12: Finding What You Really Need

Ep. 12: Finding What You Really Need

On today’s episode of the Being Well podcast, Dr. Hanson and Forrest talk about how we can find and use “key resource experiences” – experiences that we can match to our unique vulnerabilities in order to grow the strengths we need the most. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes Timestamps: 0:45: What is a key resource experience? 1:45: What would be useful in dealing with your issues? 2:30: How to identify your key resources. 4:00: What were the times when you were at your best? 5:15: Identifying the vulnerabilities we match key resources to. 7:40: How do our vulnerabilities relate to our needs? 10:50: Matching key resources to specific needs. 11:15: Resources for anxiety, anger, and helplessness. 13:45: Feeling alright, right now. 15:35: Resources for satisfaction. 18:45: The importance of resourcefulness. 19:30: Resources for connection. 21:05: Means vs. Ends 27:25: Recap Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

27 Mars 201829min

Ep. 11: Make Your Learning Last

Ep. 11: Make Your Learning Last

How can we help the brain "absorb" the things we want it to hold on to? Dr. Rick Hanson explores the “installation” stage of learning in detail, including how we can internalize the various positive aspects of any experience to grow the strengths we need the most. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:50: What attracted you to “learning”? 3:15: The “dirty secret” of the personal growth professions. 5:05: The five ways we can enrich our experience. 8:10: Multimodality: how to learn through the different aspects of experience. 9:00: Why writing affirmations rarely works. 9:55: Bridging the gap between thought and experience. 13:30: Our many opportunities for learning. 14:30: How to make our experiences feel novel. 16:40: How to make our experiences feel relevant. 18:20: How to absorb experiences. 19:50: Letting experiences into our body. 24:10: Changing our relationship to experiences 25:30: The power of “retroactive rehearsal.” 28:00: The foundation of learning. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

19 Mars 201831min

Ep. 10: H.E.A.L. Yourself

Ep. 10: H.E.A.L. Yourself

HOW can we grow the positive traits we want more of inside ourselves? On this episode Dr. Hanson explains the HEAL process that allows us to learn from our experiences more effectively. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:40: Why is learning an inner strength? 2:40: The superpower of superpowers 5:35: What does emotional learning FEEL like? 7:50: An example of learning that sticks 10:05: What’s happening in the brain when we’re learning? 13:05: Using the mind to change the brain. 14:55: The opportunity in every day. 16:55: The stages of the learning process. 19:05: The importance of installation. 20:10: The H.E.A.L. process of learning 23:05: The feeling of enriching and absorbing 23:45: Linking 25:30: Summary Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

12 Mars 201826min

Ep. 9: Respond, Don't React

Ep. 9: Respond, Don't React

Learn how to respond to challenges from the “green zone” of the brain rather than reacting instinctively from the “red zone.” Dr. Hanson and Forrest explore the biology behind these two systems, the role of mindfulness in moving from one to the other, and how to combat the brain’s evolved negativity bias. Sponsor Message: We're now on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. If you'd like to start making real, positive changes to your brain and your life, but you don't have a lot of extra time, then you may want to check out Rick Hanson's new program: Just One Minute. Use the code BEINGWELL at checkout for 10% off the purchase price. Connect with the show: Visit us on the web Follow us on Instagram Follow Rick on Facebook Follow Forrest on Facebook Subscribe on iTunes The material in this podcast comes in large part from our book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. If you like the podcast, you'll love the book! Timestamps: 0:45: The difference between “responding” and “reacting” 3:05: Responding vs. reacting in practice 6:45: The biology behind responding and reacting 9:10: The negative cycle of reacting 10:20: If reacting is stressful, why do we have that system? 12:40: Mindfulness and our reactions 13:25: What makes people respond rather than react? 16:20: The “quantity” vs. “quality” effect of green and red zone experiences 20:40: The cumulative effect of negative experiences 21:45: How to limit the impact of negative experiences 23:05: The positive spiral of taking in good experiences Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

5 Mars 201827min

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