109: Control or Control Freak? How to Navigate Separation, Gaslighting and Emotional Safety

In this powerful and practical episode of Revolutionise Your Love Life, Heather Garbutt speaks with family lawyer Colete Bane about the important difference between controlling behaviour and “control freak” tendencies during separation and divorce. Together, they explore how anxiety, urgency and fear can sometimes look like control, but come from a very different place than coercive or narcissistic control.

They also discuss gaslighting, legal support, conscious uncoupling, safeguarding, and how to stay anchored in dignity, clarity and self-respect when navigating a painful relationship ending. This conversation offers reassurance, insight and grounded guidance for anyone dealing with a difficult ex, a high-conflict divorce, or the emotional overwhelm that can arise when love has run its course.

Key Takeaways

• Control and “control freak” behaviour are not the same. Colette explains that true controlling behaviour is about domination, compliance and power, while “control freak” behaviour often comes from panic, anxiety and a need for reassurance or forward movement.
• Urgency can damage communication during separation. Chasing for immediate responses can unintentionally escalate conflict. Sometimes giving the other person time to think, breathe and respond can lead to a more constructive outcome.
• Gaslighting requires a strong protective filter. When someone has been gaslit for years, they may still react from the old wound, even when they have evidence and support. A good lawyer, therapist or coach can help them see clearly again.
• Conscious uncoupling helps people act from intention rather than reaction. Heather shares how the process helps clients understand their behaviour, own their responses, clear the air where safe, and move towards a more dignified ending.
• Small acts of fairness can transform the emotional landscape. An “act of golden repair”, whether financial, practical or relational, can soften hostility and help both people move forward with more peace.

About Colette Bane
Colette is a family solicitor at Knights. She supports clients through divorce, financial arrangements, child arrangements and other family law matters with a combination of legal clarity, emotional intelligence and strategic care.
In this series, Colette brings her warmth, humour and professional wisdom to the question of how we can navigate divorce more consciously, intentionally and with as much dignity as possible.
You can find Colette on Instagram at @colette.familylaw
You can also find her on LinkedIn as Colette Bane, family solicitor at Knights.

About Your Host
Heather Garbutt is a psychotherapist, love coach and accredited Calling In The One practitioner with over twenty years of experience working with women on love, relationships and the interior work that makes lasting change possible.

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